Leviticus: 1-27

Holy animal sacrifices Batman! The book of Leviticus is another book of law from the Old Testament, and it is packed with animal sacrifices. If PETA knew about this, they would spray red paint on any church they could find. In Leviticus, we find our heroes newly settled in the land God led them to, and now God tells Moses what laws to give to the people. As usual, I'll highlight the good and the bad and ask questions along the way. This one is a little heavy on the direct quotes, simply because I couldn't bear to dilute the message by paraphrasing.

The Good:
This is tough. I knew going in that the OT was going to be rough, and Leviticus did nothing but confirm that. Some of the laws are good ones and demonstrate the ideas of "fairness" that are still present today. If someone kills one of your animals, they owe you another. If someone damages your property, they must pay for the damages + a little extra. Don't kill other people. Don't sleep with a guy's wife. These are all good things. There even seems to be a hint of medical awareness as Leviticus 7 says, "The fat of an animal found dead or torn by wild animals may be used for any other purpose, but you must not eat it." It also forbids eating animals after a certain amount of time. It even discusses what to do with people who have skin sores/boils, and commands them to quarantine people with certain conditions so as not to infect the village. The descriptions of the diseases are primitive and the treatments are lacking, but the laws seem to be in place to prevent the spread of disease.

We also have good laws like Leviticus 18:7 - "Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother. She is your mother; do not have relations with her." Advice we can all live by.

There is also a very interesting concept presented here that deserves mention. The concept of "Jubilee." Basically, people would work as usual for 50 years, and then every fiftieth year everything would be "reset" as it was on day one. Any property that traded hands during that time would be returned to the original owners and everything would start again. Anything sold would be prorated for the amount of time left before Jubilee.

The idea behind it is summed up by God in Lev 25:23 - “The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you reside in my land as foreigners and strangers."

Another piece of this that I like is Lev 25:35-38 -

If any of your fellow Israelites become poor and are unable to support themselves among you, help them as you would a foreigner and stranger, so they can continue to live among you. Do not take interest or any profit from them, but fear your God, so that they may continue to live among you. You must not lend them money at interest or sell them food at a profit. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt to give you the land of Canaan and to be your God.

This is sort of the anti-Capitalism. "Work, live, and be happy, but every 50 years we're going to return to the beginning so that there is not a massive chasm between the rich and the poor." Very interesting concept. God is a socialist - who knew?

The Bad:
Leviticus sets a lot of bad precedents. Up to this point, God would immediately kill anyone who didn't listen to him. In Leviticus, God creates a loop hole.

Lev 4:3-6 - If the anointed priest sins, bringing guilt on the people, he must bring to the LORD a young bull without defect as a sin offering for the sin he has committed. He is to present the bull at the entrance to the tent of meeting before the LORD. He is to lay his hand on its head and slaughter it there before the LORD. Then the anointed priest shall take some of the bull’s blood and carry it into the tent of meeting. He is to dip his finger into the blood and sprinkle some of it seven times before the LORD, in front of the curtain of the sanctuary.

Lev 4:13-15 - If the whole Israelite community sins unintentionally and does what is forbidden in any of the LORD’s commands, even though the community is unaware of the matter, when they realize their guilt and the sin they committed becomes known, the assembly must bring a young bull as a sin offering and present it before the tent of meeting. The elders of the community are to lay their hands on the bull’s head before the LORD, and the bull shall be slaughtered before the LORD.

Lev 4:22-24 - When a leader sins unintentionally and does what is forbidden in any of the commands of the LORD his God, when he realizes his guilt and the sin he has committed becomes known, he must bring as his offering a male goat without defect. He is to lay his hand on the goat’s head and slaughter it at the place where the burnt offering is slaughtered before the LORD. 

Lev 4:27-29 - If any member of the community sins unintentionally and does what is forbidden in any of the LORD’s commands, when they realize their guilt and the sin they have committed becomes known, they must bring as their offering for the sin they committed a female goat without defect. They are to lay their hand on the head of the sin offering and slaughter it at the place of the burnt offering.

These passages bring up two main concerns. First, they specify "and the sin they have committed becomes known." Despite the fact that God knows everything, once the village finds out about your transgressions, only then will you have to pay for it. Second, and most importantly, we see the true problem with this system. It admits the possibility that humans aren't perfect (which is OK), but it also clears the way for people to sin at will. It puts a price on sin, and allows people to trade bad behavior for livestock. Not only does this bring unnecessary harm to the animals, but it gives the richer people a clearer path to do as they please. Imagine if our laws were only punished by fines - anyone with a large amount of money could break the law all the time, while the poor people would be forced to live with their disregard for the law (like Wall St. executives). Why would God want a system that favored one class of people over another (you know, except for the whole choosing Israelites over Noah's other descendants thing)?

Another concern I have here goes back to the logistics of the setup. First, almost every decree from God (through Moses) ends with "I am the LORD your God," like God is suddenly afflicted with low self-esteem and needs to keep reminding people why they should be listening to him. Second, there is a very large amount of favoritism here - Moses speaks God's word, his brother becomes the high priest, and his nephews become the other priests. The offerings all go to the priests.

Lev 7:35-36 - This is the portion of the food offerings presented to the Lord that were allotted to Aaron and his sons on the day they were presented to serve the Lord as priests. On the day they were anointed, the Lord commanded that the Israelites give this to them as their perpetual share for the generations to come. 

Lev 22:10 - No one outside a priest's family may eat the sacred offering, nor may the guest of a priest or his hired worker eat it.  

Lev 22:10 is immediately corrected by 22:11 when it makes an exception for the priest's slaves (naturally). There's also a caveat about disabled people that's rather cold:

Lev 21:16-23 - The Lord said to Moses, "Say to Aaron: 'For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the Lord. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the Lord, who makes them holy.'"

It seems that though man is made in God's image, He gets creeped out by the deformed people that He creates. I mean, who hasn't felt a little strange around someone with a mangled hand? It just seems a little cold for a loving god, doesn't it?

Lastly, there is a large portion of Leviticus that discusses cleanliness. There are many rules to follow, and each action has a prescription to clean the uncleanliness. These are mostly innocuous; some relate to skin rashes and the like, others deal with touching dead animals or bugs. There are, however, a few that really stand out.

Lev 15:19-24 - When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening. Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean. Anyone who touches her bed will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. Anyone who touches anything she sits on will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. Whether it is the bed or anything she was sitting on, when anyone touches it, they will be unclean till evening. If a man has sexual relations with her and her monthly flow touches him, he will be unclean for seven days; any bed he lies on will be unclean. 

Lev 12:1-6 - The Lord said to Moses, "Say to the Israelites: 'A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding. When the days of her purification for a son or daughter are over, she is to bring to the priest at the entrance to the tent of meeting a year-old lamb for a burnt offering and a young pigeon or a dove for a sin offering.

I dislike Aunt Flo as much as anyone, but here we see that even though God created women and gave them periods, he condemns them to be "unclean" during their natural monthly cycle. If this isn't sexist enough, he also condemns them to twice the uncleanliness should they give birth to a daughter. Why am I the only one enraged by this idea? Why aren't women everywhere speaking up about how absurd this is?

General Thoughts:
In Leviticus 10, the Lord seems to be having a bad day. He kills two of Aaron's four children because they "offered unauthorized fire" before the Lord. He then creates a few new rules and threatens immediate death - different from the sin/offer method outlined in the same book.

Lev 10:6-9 - Then Moses said to Aaron and his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, "Do not let your hair become unkemptt and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the Lord will be angry with the whole community. But your relatives, all the Israelites, may mourn for those the Lord has destroyed by fire. Do not leave the entrance to the tent of meeting or you will die, because the Lord's anointing oil is on you." So they did as Moses said. Then the Lord said to Aaron, "You and your sons are not to drink wine or other fermented drink whenever you go into the tent of meeting, or you will die. This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come."

Also, on the topic of burnt offerings - the only explanation given is that the Lord is pleased by the smell. Is there anything more human than the notion that an all-powerful, all-knowing creator just happens to love the smell of cooked food? At one point, the Lord even threatens to stop being pleased by the aroma:

Lev 26:27-31 - "'If in spite of this you still do not listen to me but continue to be hostile toward me, then in my anger I will be hostile toward you, and I myself will punish you for your sins seven times over. You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters. I will destroy your high places, cut down your incense altars and pile your dead bodies on the lifeless forms of your idols, and I will abhor you. I will turn your cities into ruins and lay waste your sanctuaries, and I will take no delight in the pleasing aroma of your offerings."

 My amateur translation attempt: "Cut the shit, or I'll stop letting you please me."

And here, the theme of slavery comes full circle. Slavery seemed to be a natural way of life earlier on, but here God gives explicit instructions:

Lev 25:44-46 -  Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.

A few sentences later, it all becomes clear:

Lev 25:55 - ...for the Israelites belong to me as servants. They are my servants, whom I brought out of Egypt. I am the Lord your God.

We also see the beginnings of a reward system being put into place (Heaven and Hell aren't here yet). I won't quote the full passages, but a quick comparison of word counts will give you an idea: It takes 255 words to describe how God will reward you for following his decrees, and 865 words to describe how God will punish those that disobey him.

10 Second Version:
Here's the short version of where we are now: God created the universe, all animals and mankind, killed almost everything save for some animals and one family of people, sent one set of the survivor's descendants into slavery for 400 years, saved them from slavery, and now demands constant thanks and praise for it through groveling and the smell of burning animals. The one man he chooses to talk to and his family relayed all the rules from the creator, they need food and money from the rest, and if the people don't listen, they will be punished beyond belief. With me so far?

Rating: 3/10

There seems to be a little common sense provided here in order to maintain a relatively successful civilization, but to ignore millennia of medical knowledge and social equality would be silly. While some of the suggestions remain useful today, I can't imagine passing the book of Leviticus on to a child as a guide to life.

Open Questions:

• In Leviticus 22:12, it says, "If a priest's daughter marries anyone other than a priest..." Up to this point, the only priests are all members of the same family. Are priest's families set up like incestuous royalty?

NEXT UP: Numbers

Adventures in Boredom

I keep getting calls from some bullshit pharmacy. Today, I decided to just waste their time. I got prices, asked questions, and placed an order for almost $1000 worth of Xanax, Valium, Cialis, and Lorazepam. This went on for 10 minutes. I tell him I'm ready to place my order, and he asks me for my info. I come up with:

Michael Krishna
905 H St.
Washington, DC 20002

95 years old, 6'8", 285 lbs

I give him a credit card number: 1234. "uh huh."  5678. "got it." 9000. "last 4?" 1234. "Expiration date?" 11/12. "cvv?" 123.

....

"Sir, do you really want medication?"

"Nope, but since you refuse to stop calling me, I figured I'd at least waste your time. That was 10 minutes you could have spent harassing other people."

Then he tells me that he can call me any time any day, and he loved his job because he could call assholes like me. I told him I had a great time and looked forward to helping him not sell meds.

Victory!

Funerals

(This post is meant as an aside to the main blog. Your regularly-scheduled Bible reviews will return shortly.)

Funerals suck. There is no good reason to be at a funeral (unless you happen to be a funeral director). Funerals remind us that life is short, and every moment is precious. When you're at a funeral, you're not thinking about a boss you dislike or about a promotion you didn't get. You're not dreading your next mortgage payment or wondering when your car will finally hug its last curve. You're celebrating a life, remembering the good times and figuring out how to cope with the loss that you're all feeling. It's a time to celebrate, and a time to reflect. It's a time to face the reality that life isn't guaranteed and that it's certainly not permanent - a fact we generally spend our days trying to forget.

It reminds us that one of life's most basic questions has one of the most elusive answers: What happens when we die? The only thing we know for sure is that no one knows for sure.

Death and grief are highly personal, and must be dealt with in whatever way(s) each individual finds the most helpful. Religion is one of the ways that people cope with the loss of a loved one, and I can't blame them for that. I understand our innate desire to make sense of it all. What I've noticed during my funeral experiences is that, in our insatiable need to explain and cope with death, we end up losing something important along the way; the person we're mourning.

Too often I've seen funerals play out like an extended infomercial for whichever religion is running the event (I've been to Catholic, Christian, and Jewish funerals). The whole experience is about 90% God and 10% loved one. The rites and rituals are so elaborate and regimented that the priest just fills the departed's name into the blank like a morose Madlib. The occasion feels very formulaic and highly impersonal. Every so often someone will step up to say a few words about the departed, but it feels like an afterthought to the rest of the ritual.

It is these "afterthoughts" that should really be the primary focus of contemporary funerals. They're highly personal and accessible to everyone that knew the deceased, regardless of personal belief or religious preference. If you choose to believe that God has a place for our souls everlasting, and that your loved ones are now enjoying the kingdom that God has for us, that's wonderful! Make the funeral about the person we just lost, not about one possible outcome of the manifestation of our fears.

But, in the words of the great Dennis Miller, that's just my opinion; I could be wrong.


Epilogue:
For my own funeral, I've made it quite clear to my wife how things are to be handled:

My body should be donated to science, where it can be used to help someone make someone else's life better. I don't need people to gather in a creepy, characterless room that hasn't been redecorated since the 70's. I don't need people to spend money on flowers that are comically overpriced and about to die. I don't need anyone reading anything from any spiritual book. I don't need anyone to give my body a final tour of the town (though I do quite like the idea of getting to ignore red lights and stop signs). I didn't need anyone to plan my wedding, and I certainly don't need anyone planning my funeral. Anyone who wants to celebrate my life (or my death) should gather at someone's house or a bar where they can share stories about the best (and worst) times. It'll be cheap, it'll be fun, and I wish there was a way for me to enjoy it as much as everyone else will.

Exodus: 1-40

Now that's what I'm talking about. We're finally getting into a little substance here! The book of Exodus begins with the Isrealites (the descendants of Abraham's grandson Jacob) being forced into slavery by the king of Egypt for being too...fertile. It ends with Moses and his followers, freed, setting up shop to worship the Lord without the slavemasters of Egypt.

Exodus is more complex than Genesis, so I'll do my best to keep my thoughts organized.

The Good:

Compared to Genesis, Exodus reads like an episode of the Care Bears - there is far less raping, pillaging, and murdering. There are still some pretty bad things happening, but the story is a good one, and would make for a good movie. We get to see the characters continue their journey, and, more importantly, we start to understand the point to the overall story. Exodus contains the creation and the delivery of the ten commandments, so we also have something useful to life beyond the context of the story. Exodus also explains the origin of some of the Jewish holidays, and it's always nice to get some historical context for things that still occur today.

The Bad:

My major issue with Exodus isn't the believability of the actual events (plagues, commandments from God, etc), but with the consistency and the motivations of God. I found myself wondering if the two books even refer to the same god. Details below.

General Thoughts:


   Favoritism: The Bible illustrates the most profound case of nepotism in history. In Genesis 6, God decides that humanity has descended into wickedness and he regrets creating them. He spares Noah and his family because he was a "righteous" man. Noah's three sons and their wives are saved on the ark, and go on to repopulate the world (Genesis 9). Then, in Genesis 12, God communicates with Abram directly (a descendant of one of Noah's sons) for apparently no reason, and then establishes a covenant with him in Genesis 17 promising success for him and his descendants. From this point on, it is Abraham and his family that seem to have the direct line to God, and anyone else is just standing in their way. Why would God create humanity, destroy it, and then choose one family from what was left to be his favorite? This is a large enough "plot hole" to distract from the goal at hand.


   The Same God?: In Genesis, God is very clear about his powers and his willingness to use them. He wipes out the entire world with a flood (Genesis 7), destroys entire cities (Genesis 19), and turns Lot's wife into a pillar of salt for disobeying him (Genesis 19). However, in Exodus, God sees his chosen people suffer under the chains of slavery for 430 years (Exodus 12). He doesn't free them. He doesn't destroy the leaders of Egypt that act against his wishes. He sends Moses to use "tricks" to convince Pharaoh to let the slaves go. With each plague, Pharaoh's response is the same: his magicians could accomplish the same things, so he doesn't believe that God's hand is present. So I have to ask - why the games? Why send Moses to convince Pharaoh? Why not communicate with Pharaoh directly, or just skip the whole deal and enact his will as per usual? Worse, in trying to convince Pharaoh, how many Egyptian citizens suffered needlessly for God to make a point he could have made just as simply otherwise? Why slaughter the firstborn sons of an entire people for the actions of their leaders? Further, what was the point of taking gold and silver from the people? Haven't they suffered enough?

   Creation vs. creation: Once Moses finally leads his people to their destination, the rest of the book consists of how best to worship the Lord.

Words used to describe the creation of the universe, the earth, its plants, animals, fish, birds, and its first human inhabitants: ~1,417

Words used to describe the design and building of God's first temple: ~8,440

Creating the world and immensely complex biological and ecological systems? Piece of cake - but those curtains and priestly robes are the tricky part!

   Suspicion: There are a few places in Exodus where my sense of caution is heightened because, as I put myself in the shoes of the people in the story, I feel like I'm being duped. This guy, Moses, heads up to the top of the mountain, expressly forbids anyone except his brother from joining him, and then comes back with a long list of laws I'm supposed to follow on penalty of death. Also, the creator of the heavens and earth suddenly has an interest in "atonement money" (Exodus 30).

Rating: 4/10

Good story, but if the world as we know it were to be destroyed and a new civilization were to one day discover the Bible, Exodus wouldn't add much value to their lives.

Open questions:

• Why would God create man in His (perfect) image, and then demand that we cut a piece of our penises off?
• Why is God obsessed with burnt animal offerings?
• Why does God need the people to put marks of blood on the houses so he will know to pass over them? How could God not know who lives where?

Genesis: 1-50

Book 1 is complete. I knew that this would be an experience, but I'm not sure I was prepared for what I've committed to. I knew that I would read things that would make modern-day people cringe, but I didn't expect to hit them all in the same book.

The good:

There isn't any here. I tried, but the book of Genesis contains absolutely nothing of value. There is no lesson here that should be passed on to future generations, nor any values or virtues that add to the quality of human life.

The bad:

Where to begin? The stories contained in Genesis are teeming with all of humanity's worst qualities. They're not even presented in a way that displeases God - the terrible actions in this book are committed, rewarded, or otherwise encouraged by the Almighty himself.

As far as the creation portion of this book, I can only say this: If the world was indeed created by God, it most certainly wasn't done in the ways described here. Every claim made in this book is demonstrably false.

Rating: 0/10

Lifespans over 900 years. Jealousy. Murder. Sexism. Genocide. Ritual sacrifice. Incest. Rape. Incestuous rape. Slavery. Racism. Deception. Nepotism. Vengeance. Prostitution. Polygamy. There are no lessons here. No examples to pass to our children. In fact, if the book of Genesis was made into a movie, the MPAA wouldn't give it any less than an NC-17 rating. And we think that the word "nigger" in Huck Finn is bad?

Open questions:
Adam is created from the ground. Eve is created from Adam. Adam and Eve have two sons, Cain and Abel. Suddenly, we hear of Cain's wife. Where did his wife come from?

Next up: Exodus 1

Introduction

Those who know me best are going to wonder, "Why, of all people, would you want to read the Bible?"

There are myriad reasons, from being able to better refute Christian fundamentalism to being able to claim something most others can't. As someone who grew up with absolutely no Christian influence, I would like to view the Bible objectively and through the eyes of an adult. I plan to approach it with an open mind, and I look forward to the discussions to which this journey will lead me.

I will post a "review" of each book as I complete them, from the Old Testament through the New Testament. I will read each testament as stand-alone literary works, and not judge them based on the actions of those who follow them. I will try to avoid pointing out tiny errors or harping on minor issues, but I will be rating each book based on their content and overall contribution to society.

I'm not expecting to walk away from this experience as a religious individual, but I hope that this endeavor will add to my experience of the world and help me appreciate the historical relevance of something that has been the source of so much simultaneous joy and destruction.