It's no surprise, then, that the people with whom I get along best have skin as thick as my own. The people who dish it as good as they get it. An outsider overhearing a conversation between some of my close friends would wonder if we were friends at all - insults about overly-romantic Facebook posts, jabs about completely ludicrous theories of baseball physics, or jokes about previously failed attempts at marriage or academia. Nothing is off the table, and I would argue that our friendships are stronger because of it. We challenge ourselves to be better because we know that failure is just ammo for the others, and we can get solid advice because we know we're getting straight answers at all times.
Unfortunately, this brand of honesty takes time to flourish. As such, making new friends - real friends - isn't easy. Putting aside the fact that time isn't always on my side, some people just don't appreciate the same level of brutal honesty that I do. I don't mind making acquaintances, but it's frustrating to keep a mental Rolodex (link provided for younger readers) of people with whom I can be ME.
Facebook is something of a mixed bag for me. I like that I can "keep up" with people that I might have otherwise lost touch with; some of my favorite conversations are with people that I rarely (if ever) see in public. The obvious drawback is that Facebook combines friends of all types into one group. I refuse to "rank" my friends, so when I post, I post to everyone. As a result, people who don't know me all that well get the full force of my opinion but lack the context that my closer friends have. I don't have a burning desire to make people like me, but for some reason, I do feel the need to make sure people understand me. As such, I'd like to dispel a few common myths.
2. I do NOT think religion should be banned or made illegal, but I DO think that our government was intended to be secular and that we can only survive as a country if we prevent our government officials from endorsing specific religions through public policy.
3. I DO think that there are many good qualities of religion and valuable lessons to be had. I just think they come at too high a price.
4. I do NOT assume that everyone in one category is alike. All Christians don't hate gays, even though I may use gay rights as an example for why Christianity does more harm than good.
5. I do NOT think I know the answers - I make absolutely no claims about the origin of the universe. I simply believe that a claim requires evidence to be believed, and as I have seen none, I do not believe the claims offered by the world's religions. Despite what some would have you believe, my position does not require faith - I consider myself an agnostic atheist, meaning that I don't think it can be known either way.
I hear frequently that I'm mean or disrespectful. "If you don't have anything nice to say, why say anything at all?" "Why do you have to bash other people's beliefs?" Valid points, all. To understand the answer to these questions, I must explain a bit about my life experiences. I hold no religious beliefs in a decidedly-religious country. A country that still has laws preventing non-believers from holding public office in certain places. A country that levies no taxes on churches, but allows their money to buy political influence. A country that, in my lifetime, has had a president that thinks that non-believers shouldn't be considered patriots nor citizens. People ask me why I must be critical of others' beliefs, but they never say a word when I'm told at wedding after wedding that my marriage is less important or "doesn't count" because it wasn't sanctioned by their god. No one asks me if I'm offended when non-believers are the least trusted group of people in America - tied with rapists. Please forgive me if I scoff when I hear people refer to a "war on Christmas" or that Christians are being persecuted.
Furthermore, I want to make clear that being critical of one's beliefs is not disrespecting the believer. I firmly believe that a person is more than their beliefs, and I put far more weight on someone's actions than I do on what goes on inside their heads. Many of my close friends and relatives are religious, some very much so, and it is because of our mutual respect for each other as people that we can have open and honest discussions about our beliefs.
Lastly, I want to talk about the point of all of this. I am perpetually curious - I want to know how the world works, I want to know how other people's minds work, and I want to know how I work. I live my life in a constant state of re-evaluation; I am always absorbing new data and determining how it affects even my most dearly-held views. I have never used the words, "...and nothing you say can make me change my mind." I do realize that some people don't like confrontation, and I do love a good debate more than most. However, when someone tells me that they would never trust a man to teach their young children, I simply can't accept "that's just how I feel and I don't want to argue about it." If I said, "I don't think women are fit to run businesses and I would never want to work for a woman," I hope that people would try to get to the root of that belief and help me re-evaluate my position. I don't think people get to believe things without reason. I don't think beliefs of any variety are sacred, and I think it's healthy and completely necessary to air one's views and to get feedback. If a belief is sound, it will endure, and society will benefit from the free and open exchange and honest criticism of ideas. If beliefs were sacred and unassailable, slavery would never have been quashed. Racism would be rampant and codified. Women would not be able to vote. I could never compare myself to Frederick Douglass, or Martin Luther King Jr., or Susan B. Anthony; I'm just a guy that's not afraid to ask questions about even the most personal of beliefs.
I've never stopped being someone's friend because of differing beliefs, but others have made that decision for me. I wish it wasn't the case, but some people simply don't like being challenged. I'm not always perfect, but I try to always be fair. I try not to resort to cheap shots or platitudes. But I simply can't dance around certain ideas, and I think political correctness does more to hurt the conversation than help it. I can't change the fact that I think certain things are silly or illogical. I think it's silly to rub ash on your forehead. I think it's silly to talk to the ceiling. I think it's illogical to thank God for a meal when the people in the seats worked 100 hours that week to put the food on the table. As an outsider looking in, I think a lot of the ritual seems ridiculous - but when I say it's silly, I mean to challenge the status quo in a way that only an outsider can. I laugh because it's such an alien concept to me, not because I think someone is stupid.
If you've gotten this far, just know that I value you as a friend, whether we talk once a day or once a year. I criticize because I think everything should be on the table, and I want to live in a society where the good ideas rise to the top and the bad ones don't live to see another generation. If you are confident in your beliefs and feel that you've given them the analysis they deserve, then my criticism can only serve as a way to get them some fresh air. But at the end of the day, whether you're making obnoxious, schmoopy posts to your girlfriend or chanting like a monotone robot in church, don't be surprised if I have something to say about it :-)
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