I once wrote in this space that "the more needless the death, the more severe the tragedy." While tragedy is inherently sad, I still believe that circumstances matter, and innocent lives lost to random acts of violence rank among the worst. It seems like we're mourning something every other week these days, and we're running out of colors for ribbons. With each passing tragedy, I can see changes within myself. During my short span of consciousness, I've been hardened more than anyone should, yet I can still appreciate the hardships and the loss faced daily by so many in the world, and I realize that despite our pain, we still lead rather charmed lives. I can't bring peace to the world; that's not what this post is about.
I no longer have any disillusions about where tragedy can strike. I've heard "I never thought it could happen here" enough to know that pain is geographically indifferent. Neither do I trick myself into thinking that there is some ethereal force enacting justice. I've seen horrible things happen to good people of all shapes, sizes, ages, colors, and creeds, and I've seen too many pricks outstay their welcome.
I've come to accept that life just isn't fair, no matter how much we will it to be. Luck can't be bought, it can't be reasoned with, and it can't be controlled. Life is a series of inter-connected events - some work in your favor, some don't. Thinking about it only distracts you from enjoying the short time you have. The best you can do is to not take any excessive risks (intentionally), and try to mitigate the ones you have to take (wearing a seat belt or eating healthful food regularly).
But what this constant string of tragedies has taught me most is this: the universe is a cold, uncaring place, and it's not going to wait around for you to be happy. You can't control everything, but you're in far more control than you give yourself credit for. Start making your own luck because there's no telling when yours might run out. If you want to go back to school and get your Master's degree, do it. Ask out that girl or go searching for a new job, and if neither of those things work out, keep trying. The only thing keeping you from your goals (your attainable goals) is you. And if you're going to hold a grudge, you'd better make damned sure there's a good reason for it, because I'm betting there's not.
My Virginia Tech family has been reminding us to "Live for 32", because 32 lives were taken six years ago before they were really allowed to live. I used to live for 32, but that's not good enough any more. I live for 26 children and teachers, too. And I live for five students in Illinois. I also live for three marathoners in Boston and 12 movie-goers in Colorado. I even try to live for two shoppers in Oregon and sometimes for 13 soldiers who did nothing but show up to work in the middle of America one day. I don't always succeed, but I wouldn't dare dishonor the fallen by taking a moment of my life for granted.
Tragedy is an enemy no different than Peter Pan's shadow - it exists, but it's not the shadow's fault. It's not a conscious, plotting villain; it's merely a shadow of our own imperfection, a constant reminder that the human mind is an incredibly complex force capable of things which we'd just as soon never try to comprehend. But that doesn't mean it is something to be feared. On the contrary, I try to live my life in a way that makes me work to overcome the sadness wrought by tragedy. I don't let it own me. I don't let it define me. It gives me another reason to be a force for good in the world. It gives me a reason to endure.
Unlike most, I also view the perpetrator as one of the victims. Where everyone else sees a cold-hearted bastard that caused unspeakable pain to numerous families and communities, I see a tortured soul that didn't get the help he needed. It doesn't mean that those who are caught shouldn't pay a price, but there is a sadness there that I feel often goes overlooked. I pity them because they'll never know what it is to love, and that they'll never know just how fucking beautiful the world is even on a bad day. That, to me, is the ultimate sadness.
4/15 will go down in history as a tragic day. People will remember where they were when they heard about it. 4/16 will live on inside me, burned into my innermost thoughts and emotions. 4/20. 7/7. 9/11. 6/6. 12/7. 12/14. 7/20. 2/14. Our calendars are filling up quickly. You don't need a 365 Tragedy-a-day calendar to remind you that every day is special, or that life is precious. Live well, and live for those that can't.
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